My love for him is very true(so I'm a corny person, but so what??..ahem. paranoia not withstanding..). However, I must come first. If he truly cannot love me back, then it is all right - as I've said *so* many times before. At least he did not make me feel awful for having unrequited love. And though that be the case, I must admit I did get more attention than some of my friends who does have requited love. I suppose in its own twisted way, I was blessed. Ironically however, therein too lies the curse.
How does one stay detached from one who treats one well? Virtually impossible. Human as I am in my imperfections, I cannot stay unemotional. I realise that there is no way we can be platonic friends. With no ties. No way. So long as I feel the way I do for him, for Dude, there is no way at all.
When things are crappy shit between us like the, 'Big Fight', it hurt too much to be apart and hostile. Weird as it may sound, I can only walk away when things are nice and fine. It is easier for me to breakaway then.. He probably thinks I'm nuts, and I probably am! Hahaha.. He did wonder, messaging me at 2 in the morning, asking me if I were already asleep, and then pointed out that I have been quiet. And it had only been one day and a half. Maybe he was used to the attention I was lavishing (i do not use this word lightly) on him. Whatever. The one day and a half has stretched for a whole week now. It feels longer than that, though. He commented over YM that I am different. He suspected that I've been talking to people and that they told me to stay away from him like they have in the past. Not this time. Talking time has long been over and I am on my way to action time. I'm not going to be "all talk" anymore.
I suppose, all this while, I was just waiting for me to be ready to do this. And perhaps, this time around, I am.
Anyway, I'm moving on. And one weekend away from KL while I was on a treasure hunt trip to Lumut, I met a guy who made me realise my heart is not close for other possibilities. Thank God. It has been one of my father's fears that I cannot love another since he knows how I feel about Dude. Pity that guy never looked me up..*sheepish*..maybe he thought I was taken - being the ever-interesting person that I obviously am - bluueekkk!!!!
Am sooo regretting not giving him my namecard at least. Then I wouldn't be having 'what ifs' running in my mind.. Obviously, he was pleasant enough to warrant the 'what-ifs' tango between me and my mind.
Well, the new year shall bring me new possibilities. And I know it would not come unless I myself work for it. This time around, I don't care what it takes, but I am only going to be with someone who's really into me. Like Greg Behrendt said in his book 'He's Just Not That Into You' co-written with Liz Tuccillo, "Don't waste the pretty."
How do I know if a guy is really into me?
He would move Heaven and Earth just to be with me (read Greg and Liz's book and you'd understand what I mean and am not just being obnoxious about it). And then would I know he is worthy of this love I have inside of me. Sometimes I feel I have so much love to give, I'm near bursting with it. But that's probably just my repressed feelings towards Dude. Then again, it could be because of that time of month again.
Nevermind, I am in fact, using all that 'repressed' energy to seize the world by its balls if I had to(okay, so maybe I shouldn't be too ambitious)...oh all right, seize the world by its toes and go ahead with living not waiting to stop and wonder if Dude would like to join me. It's not like I don't have other friends around. It is with this thought in mind, that I am organising a paintball match for me and my friends and their friends. Of course I invited Dude along. I wouldn't want him thinking I'm avoiding him or anything. And I'm not. But he's not joining anyway, so I guess it doesn't make a difference. So there.
Am also joining the gym. I'm not waiting for Dude before I do anything anymore. I'm just going to go ahead with my life and I want the realisation that I've only been holding myself back when I held on to what's probably never going to be there no matter how much time I give it, if only to avoid myself from ever doing it again. I should have done it a long time ago, of course. But feelings and matters of the heart are just not things one can cut off with the snap of one's fingers. It takes some easing away from. It takes courage, it takes strength. Most of all, it takes ME. All of me, and not just a part of.
Dude is still trying to find my blog. He hasn't any luck with it yet that I knew of. Well, if he really badly wants to read it, he'll search for it. Not that it's very hard to find these days, what with the ever-powerful Google Search. Durr to him if he hadn't thought about it. And if he just wants me to hand it to him on a silver platter, so that he'd know I actually really want him to read it, he has a long wait ahead of him.
Thinking about it, I don't mind him reading all the things I've written about him. These are not things he doesn't already know. Perhaps, what might surprise him is, what I see from my own view and to what extent I would have gone for him. Once upon a time ago.
Anyway, with this new guy in town,...who can concentrate on anything else..? Bring it on, Stephen-Rahman Hughes! You're the man!!!! *mmmmuuuuaaaahhhhsssss!!!!*
....meanwhile... Life Goes On.. As it really usually does. *beam*
....to the best that is yet to come!.... x!
1 comment:
OMG!! Rebellina.. that was deep. Thanks, babe. Truly made my day. And here I was just missing him enough to make up a blardy new excuse to call him. arks..thanks for the encouraging words.. I'll be srong now.. hehe..
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