Slam 2006

2006..

So it's finally here. After much anticipation of what new things 2006 might bring, it came quite as a stamp on the foot that anything 'new' the year should bring would have to come from myself. With God's consent, of course.

I want a chance at a new relationship. That did not include Dude, of course. Although our last stint left us both bruised and scarred, me especially, we've somehow managed to scrape through and stay friends. The Fiend. Probably it's just meant to be that we are friends.

My closest and truest friend Aless doesn't know it yet and I do not know how the heck to tell her because I know she'd be furious. So would my other friend, a newer friend and colleague Nins. Maybe I wouldn't tell them. For now, at least. They were both against Dude. My other friends, Fleur, Lori, Shan and Ally wants just what's best for me and they didn't want Dude for me, either. But they were more of, 'if you're sure you're happy' kinda thing.

In my heart, there's that unsettled feeling of being incomplete. Perhaps,..corny as it sounds,..it's because I have not yet found the One that was meant for me. My match that was made in Heaven. I wish I could replace it with something else. Like, my writing for instance. I've started again, and if only succeeding in this would help me find myself. Complete the Me that was supposed to be. That'd be great.

But I don't think that's the case. Finding me would mean, knowing me, understanding me inside out. Being a Gemini, this is no easy feat, let me tell you that. A Gemini don't always know what he or she would be doing next him or herself. In a way, that's sad. But looking at it positively, it could be exciting. Never knowing what the next move would be.

Went for a swim earlier this evening and it felt wonderful. I haven't been swimming for perhaps a little bit more than a year now. Being reacquainted with water with depth of more than two feet had its comforting effects.

At one point, while I was floating on my back after the 20 laps(i would have liked to say 20 laps in punishing strokes but being the lesser being that I am….huh..), and contemplating the sky - which I couldn't see, of course since the grey clouds sufficiently covered it from my view, I thought of God's Greatness. We know He is Great, yes. Definitely without question. But how, though? I tried imagining the Hand of God coming through the clouds trying to grab me. But of course, I know better. Should I be so blessed as to sight the Hand of God, I wouldn't be on my back swimming, I don't think. Any hands that might be coming out of the clouds to grab at me would be some monster or king kong(safe from that there since I’m no blonde) and alike.

Realising how my contemplation on such topics would be futile at best, for I do not have the capacity as to contemplate the extent of God's Greatness. It's written that no one can.

My mind switched to simpler things like my writing. At the moment I'm having a psycho-something perform an execution on an elderly, verge-of-retiring social worker at a lonely park on a dark, cool night. There with my sexy ass soaked in cool water, I thought of what might have driven a person to commit such a heinous act. Who else would be the victim? There shouldn't only be one, that'd be boring, no? And how does this psycho *person* related to my heroine? And what does my hero has to do with the story aside from being a knight in smart suit and tie? Ok, dump the tie.

I accept the fact that I wasn’t going any further with my story as I floated in the cold. I think I might have frozen a neuron or two.

Got out of the water some fifteen minutes later and read a book by Diana Gabaldon, Voyager while waiting for self to dry off. Or at least damp off before I headed off for home.

The pool was deserted, the only occupant was me. There were small movements made by leaves either on the trees or dancing gently in the breeze. Other than that, nothing. I wondered if I should embrace this feeling I am suddenly very much aware of. As it happens, just as I was sitting there on the wall of bricks separating the ‘adult’ pool from the kids, I realised something.

After so long, I appreciated the value of being purely on my own.

With only God in my heart, and perhaps and angel or two at my side...