Slammit Dammit!

I know I said I'd stick by Dude. No matter what. Because in friendship, there is no condition. However, when said friend betrays, insults, dishonours, again took the friendship for granted, all in all belittling that friendship, then...nothing is left to be said.

And so that's how it is now. He broke his promise to me, admitting that he never intended to keep his word, what was a woman to do? So the wave crashed. So it died down before I could touch the shore. It was hard enough to be with him at such close proximity - both physically and spiritually - and not have ties of a more definable one feeling the way I do, but to be slammed hard like that? Anyway, it hurt, dammit. I hate him for that. I do hate him in fact.

He's been saying he's sorry, and has been trying to be in touch. But nothing doing, 'buddy boy'....He hurt me one time too many. And the last insult he threw to my face was too much for me to bear. He must think very little of me, such was my insignificance in his life, that he saw nothing of throwing me some empty promises he never intended to keep. Shit. Even thinking of it now makes me feel like crying. Damn pathetic, you think? Perhaps. But then again, perhaps not. When I think of all the things I went through for him, the things I did for him, all in the good faith of a friend, the boost I gave him, the belief I had in him when all else fails him, the way I stood up to my friends for my faith in him,...fuck. I'm sorry for the use of such harsh words, but it's frustrating to know that even now, as I typed these out,...it hurt me. It hurt me enough to have tears collecting at the corners of my eyes.

You know how people will sometimes say a person who's gone and break your heart is not worth your tears? Well, while that's true,..sometimes the tears are not for the person but for yourself. And sometimes, because the tears actually has healing properties. It heals deep wounds. Of the spiritual kind.

Anyway, ...this is something I wrote him, sent to him..

I Can't Believe..

I can't believe I had so much faith for you

I can't believe I lost so many sleep over you

I can't believe I stayed loyal to you

I can't believe I got up in the middle of the night - on a working day - to help you on a project

I can't believe I let you fool me many times, and still be friends

I can't believe I let you step all over me. Last I checked, I am not a doormat

I can't believe I gave you so many chances, but none to myself

I can't believe I stood by you over so many bad times

I can't believe I thought you were the one for me

I can't believe I saw so much in you, believed in you, and then let you crush me

I can't believe I gave you a boost when all else fails you, then let you crush me again

I can't believe I sacrficed so much for you

I can't believe I stood up to my friends when they tell me I should stay away from you

I can't believe I cried so many tears for you, but none of them were for me

Most of all, I can't believe I let myself love you, for all that you are

And that, is the biggest betrayal of all

Thank you for showing me the error of my ways.

RealitySlams

11th December 2005
Sunday1400hrs - 1407hrs

God forgive me for dissolving this ties with another fellow muslim, but sometimes, a person can be *so* not worth it. Perhaps, one day I'll find it in me to forgive him totally to be able to face him again. But not right now. A part of me want to forgive him,...but another... feels the betrayal was a tad too much this time.

He continually messages me on Yahoo! Messenger, and I continually ignore him. I don't know what to do. So I think at this juncture the best thing is indifference. Although, should I say I do not feel a thing while doing it I'd be lying to myself. Even as his messages pops up, I'll feel hot and cold all over. But it'll, as time goes by come to pass.

I'll just have to take it from day to day.

I have other friends around me who appreciates me, who are true to me, who honours me with their very presence even in dark weather, ...I'll get by. I know I will.