Just Slammin'

Friday afternoons are my favourite time of the weekday. Besides being only hours from the weekend, it also means a two-hour break for us ladies. Fun fun fun! So my colleague and I went off to Sogo and we had our lunch at Manhattan's Fish Market. Yum. Coming back here, I thought about the mail I sent to my friend Fleur.

To her overt concerns on the matter of my heart concerning Dude, how I should be strong, either stay away, tell him off or be that friend he needs but do not fall in love. Too late. Anyway, this is basically how I responded to her concerns.

It was obvious that Dude did not want me. I mean, he couldn’t make it clearer than, ‘No, I don’t feel for you’re the way you do for me. I don’t think I ever will.’ This, he said in response to my question, to ask him to confirm.

But we’re really tight friends. Even after the Confirmation Episode, we were tight friends. In fact, the very night after, we went out for movies together. Nothing romantic, it was Lords of Dogtown. Nice. Pretty cool flick. We had a great time, as always, and this baffles my friends. And why wouldn’t it? It baffled me too. I didn’t think I could see it through, that I could see him, go out with him and didn’t feel hurt or maybe embarrassed. Then again, I’m not a person who gets embarrassed easily. Let it be one of life’s mysteries how we were able to bypass the awkwardness, the embarrassment, the complications of that night after what has transpired just the night before.

I guess after all that, what it boils down to is the chemistry between two people. When you’re together, when you’re on the phone with each other, when you’re just sitting in silence in each other’s company..that sort of thing. Moments when everything else in between don’t matter, where everything else in between just dissolve. I suppose in the end, that’s what stick and that’s what kind of latches onto you.

Usually, it is something that is unspoken. It’s something that is left unsaid. Something, that does not warrant for words to be uttered to understand, to know. It is this, that makes up the relationship, however undefined or unnamed.

Being strong is a need in everyone. How else, could anyone face down a challenge that is put in their path. No matter how a person can be strong outwardly, denying oneself from the very thing that he/she wants, feels need for, but cannot afford to have, it is in that moment that the person is lying to themselves, or the least, lying to the world, telling them ‘No’ or something akin to that. Because in their hearts, they know the yearn. They live to understand the feeling of wanting something that can never be theirs.

Perhaps, this is the lesson.

Perhaps, this is the foundation on which a person can be built.

Perhaps, this is the thing that strengthens.

Or, perhaps, this is when a person gets undone.

I think that in life, with every single thing that goes on in a person’s life, it either makes them, or it breaks them.

As for myself, with regards to the matter of Dude,… I accept that he cannot feel for me as I do for him. I told myself, at one point, a moment of weakness, I’d say, to just be there for him, knowing one day I will be crushed, and just let it happen. At one time, it seemed that it was the only thing that was bound to happen as a conclusion between us. That he meets someone else, I get crushed but live life with a smile painted on my face with lipstick(like Mariah Carey’s song..Circles..i believe. Good song, Circles..)..another line that rings true for me from the same song, ‘Baby don't know how to turn you loose’..

And then I turned around and think, shit. I’m not standing up to this. I’m not going to let this happen. I will tell him off. If he doesn’t want me, then he shouldn’t do things that says he does. It’s dangerous too since actions speaks louder than words.

Yet, I find myself neither here nor there. I am at a point where, I do not contact him unless absolutely necessary, or when he asks for my presence; i.e. an ear, or support, or help in any way. So I figured, fine. I’ll be that friend he seems to need and nothing more.

Being human, I cannot help but have a soft spot for that I care for. In the sense, caring in the way that’s totally FRIENDly. And it doesn’t help that I am one who falls into sayang with her friends. And it certainly does not help matters that I already have feelings for Dude in the first place. That care turns into something even more than my initial feelings. Damn it, I say to myself.

So, I feel that the best thing to do now is to leave it all up to God. I tawakal. I am here for Dude with all the good intentions of one friend to another. No hopes for a more lasting future with him, if you get me. Just be there, let it flow. And if I love him and then gets heart broken, perhaps it’s just destined that it goes the way it does, with the lesson coming along with it, and then the blessing that’s in a VERY good disguise. Nevermind,…I believe that one good turn deserves another, and that goes without saying, what goes around, comes around. If he is indeed knowingly leading me on a string, he’ll just have what’s coming to him later. If I am there for him, then perhaps, one day, I will find that somebody(other than my wonderful friends) who is going to be there for me, at the same time, be my everything.

So, meanwhile…as I wait for ‘it’ to happen to me,…the strike of lightning, whatever,…I’ll just ride the waves(very risky peaks), hoping it wouldn’t consume me in its passionate emberace, and hope that when the wave dies, the sea will lead me back to shore, safe and sound.

I pray to God, that I be spared Dude’s company if indeed he is not meant for me. I hoped that we don’t get along, we drift away, we part. I prayed hard, everytime the Azan calls, and every night before I fall asleep. But in the end, me and Dude always come back together if I should go on one of my “Walk Away from Dude Expedition” and the thing that pulls is that every time, every single time, we get closer, tighter. Perhaps, it’s God’s will that we be friends. So, I’m not trying to read too much into things. I cannot help but let it happen.

I’ll face this challenge God has placed in front of me. To desert Dude or to be with him, no matter how he does not feel for me, at the same time putting myself at the risk of being trampled upon. I hope to see this through to its end because I know there’s some kind of blessing waiting for me at the end of it. So, I'll stick to Dude, but hoping I'll be strong enough to keep on my feet when the wave dies down.

Let the road be rocky, let it be steep, but get over it, I will. Insya-Allah.

Ain't Life Just Slammin'....?