Male Improvement

Story of my life. Is it too weird that a female develops the male she dates? Maybe not, but it's becoming so when she discovers that so far, all the male she dated was developed by her. And then as it turns out, he was not hers to begin with. Never was.

Sad? Perhaps, a little. It's great to be able to do some good. Tell yourself at least you contribute to having more better men out there. Even if they are not meant for you. For other women. And then, you cannot help but wonder. Is there some woman out there, developing your man, for you? Eew. I want a man who's self-made.

Anyway, these are just my fancies. Most men balked at the mere thought of being 'helped' in any way, by a female. Or so said Dr. John Gray. Unless asked, do not offer. Why me? Maybe they see me as one of them, so it was all right. Geez okay, so even the quiz I took told me I am 80% male and only 20% female. Dude, however begged to differ. He thinks emotionally, I'm all female. Right. Whatever.

It's great to be able to help out in any small way. But sometimes you wonder if it's fair when they left you hanging. Like the Dude. I mean, what's the deal, aiight? You know I have feelings for you, why don't you scram like normal guys would do? Far as I know, guys'd scram soon as they discover a girl's got a HEAVY, HUGE crush on a guy - especially when he can't offer her the same thing back. Truth hurts, yeah. But that's reality for you. This Dude, however,.. he does not run away and in fact stuck more close. It's weird, I know. Maybe he feels grateful? Eep. Too sad. For me anyhow. Or he just loves the attention he knows he'd be getting from a crush. All the frills without the bothersome commitment in his face. I don't know which is worse right now. That he might be grateful, or that he loves the attention?

God help me. But I'm floating on a sea of doubt. And if I get too far off from the shore, I might end up on an island of Self-Doubt and that can't be good. Many a time, I pray to God. Please, God. If he's not the one for me, then help me forget him. Off him from my heart. Keep him off, at bay. Make it difficult for us to ever be together even to simply hang. I'm more than willing to let go. Who wants something that's not theirs. I sure don't. I want only what's mine and if he's not, he and I can both take a hike - in different directions. Truly. But.. as it is.. his footprints are on the sands in my heart(corny, I know - so shut up and let a girl just express. Exhale.), and I'm not entirely certain how I feel about it. And how I am going to ever get it to wash off with the sea that tides into shore. So far, the imprints are still there, the tides not quite reaching them.

Please God. Don't let me be, stay, live and then die a Somebody's Nobody.