Be Strong

Be strong. That's what I tell myself. More than anything, that's what I'd like to be. Strong. Siigh.. I vowed to stay away from 'him' at least to save myself from further confusion and possible mortal but invisible pain. However, he messaged me this morning(sometimes I really do curse technology) and asked why I had been quiet in the past week. And then implied that he missed talking to me, that it was weird that I wasn't talking away like I always do.

I decided to take on being petty. I said that I didn't want to irritate him with my messages. That he was the one who had asked if I hadn't anything else better to do than messaging him. Oh, God! The nerve of the man. Boy. Whatever. And they said women has PMS. Okay, so maybe my messages to him consisted of, "Good morning. Have you taken your honey?" or "Good night.." Alo. That's care, if nothing else. Because I know he hates to take honey, I figured I had to remind him. Right? Right. And anyway, it's for his own good. He's got such a weak antibody that he's always coming down with the flu. Plus, he's asthamtic and smoking. Brilliant. And what's wrong with saying, "Good night?" At least you know someone thinks of you before she goes to sleep. And then ...anyway, at least you know someone other than your family cares about you without expecting anything back in return. Families don't count coz most of the time, you get all that love and care by default. You know? It's like, you're borned with it. Like you are borned with a mole. Inescapable.

So, I decided I'd distance myself. Anyway, it's not good for my heart. It might break in later years. And come on, face it. At 27, in a Malay culture and in our local society, I don't exactly have much time. If he wants me to wait around for him, he'd better make it clear. Does he want me to wait? If so, sure. But say it. And then keep your word. Until when though? He turns 28?(Supposedly, males mature at this age) I'll be 30. Maybe when he turns 30? I'd be a whopping 32. And then what? What if because it was never defined or clearly communicated? I'll be left all on my own, OLD by Malay standards(not mine, mind), if he finds some young thing in Spandex.

Okay. I distanced myself. And what does he do? He comes around looking for me. Dude! I need the space. Get it? Obviously oblivious to my needs or possibly he's just selfish, he does these things that'd mean something to me. That'd subsequently pull me back to his side. With no strings attached. Bad. I even talked about this to him. I told him when I distance myself, it means I needed the space and that he should not try look for me during those times. But did he listen? No. That, or he has selective memory.

Today has been a pretty good day. Despite my failure in keeping away from ..Him,..okay from here on I'd tag him as Dude. Today I felt like I was calling the shots. Whatever I said goes. And he was really sorry he said what he did about my messages and worried that I do not care about him anymore. I told him a little about a guy who's been calling me nights and messaging me by day. And we've only been out once. So far, Dude has ignored whatever I said about this guy, and I added a plus to the guy is that he reads too. Dude doesn't read. I don't know if I should take the fact that Dude did not acknowledge my mention of Mysterious Guy(MG) as a sign that he just could not care less. Eep. Well, whatever.

The thing of it is this. My biggest question, as yet unanswered is, why if he already knows of my feelings for him(I cannot make it anymore clearer than, "I sayang you" or "I adore you" in english) and he does not reciprocate, does he still hang around? To me, it's fine if he cannot return my feelings. Emotions are not something you can force or bully into submission(harhar). I am not insecure that it has affected my esteem that he cannot love me back. But then at the same time, he cannot live without me. Not really. I disappear one or two days, he'd be wondering if he has done something wrong.

And if he has done something wrong, it bothers him enough to message me at 2 in the morning to say he was sorry for whatever wrong he may have done(sometimes he has no clue to whatever he has supposedly done and apologises upfront. This here, is a smart man). Some of my friends' woes included boyfriends with the inability or the know-how to say they are sorry.

Then again,.. You know what? I guess this makes me Somebody's Nobody after all.