am i making sense?

Had another 'heavy, thoughtful' talk with Dude on Feelings. I still have them. We've been shopping together during the last shopping carnival in August and through to September. Helped him chose some clothes, pants and ties for work, and so on. And then the inevitable happened. I developed yet deeper feelings for him. Something I didn't see coming either. Either I'm unbelievably stupid for thinking we could get on the way we do without me developing more feelings for him, or ..I am just ignoring that it could happen, and just walked into it with eyes wide shut.

In the 'heavy, thoughtful' conversation.. he said, Please do not have these feelings for him .. truth is, he says, he doesn't want any of these complications upsetting the friendship we have. He said among his friends, I'm the one he trusted most and that I am his best friend. Hm. I may be naive but I don't think I am innocent enough to swallow it whole. Maybe when it comes to Dude, I learn to be a little sceptical about things. I have reservations for his claim. Perhaps he says the same thing to the 'other girls'.. yah, he admitted he has a lot of girl friends (that's friends who are girls) ..this wouldn't normally bother me so much as I have a number of boy friends as well. But thinking if maybe, he has just a good a time with them as he has with me, and they, he.. all I feel is.. Demmit.

Okay, we're cool. Following weekend, we played paintball together and he came into my group. It was all right. But Alyss said she could see that I didn't exactly attend to him as friendly as I did when we bowled earlier months ago. Well, ha. Naturally ya.

We went shopping again earlier this week. There was a huge sale for 'members only'..and I had the access. He asked me to accompany him get some clothes for Raya(trans : Eid Mubarak - which I thought was pretty personal) and we ended up getting my shoes, and handbag instead. Well, he got to browse for more ties (much to both our amusement).. We went to get groceries together, and through it all, had loads of fun. At least I did. We squabble as usual, but all in friendly banter and annoying the heck out of each other in good fun (seriously, there was a lot of laughter in all that annoyance) ..and then, just remain friends. Maybe that's what this is all about.

Friendship.

We're so good together as friends, who knows what would become should we ever ventured more? Oh, the irony of it all. I can only pray I will find someone whom I can be at least as compatible with, as I am with he.. and love more, then I with he.

He doesn't want to risk venturing more and spoiling the friendship. Perhaps, then it should tell me that he don't think it's worth enough to give it a shot. Or, perhaps he thinks it's means too much to risk on a fancy. But then,.. perhaps it's just that he does not want.

Yeah. He does not want. That must be it. He may need me. But he doesn't want me. Gawd. It's awfully Twisted, isn't it? I think it is.

Anyway, Ramadhan is here and I shall pray for the best to come. And come quick! Heh.

Earlier today, I went to watch The Devil Wears Prada and then later met up an old crush of mine. I had a huge crush on this guy from whence I was ten until I was fifteen when he moved to a boarding school and I don't see him anymore. We even talked about it. Which was hilarious because I could. He knew of my crush over him, all those years ago because of two reasons. One, I was blardy damn OBVIOUS as I was wont to do when I have a crush for someone (it's totally, honestly, unintentional - to be obvious, I mean) .. and Two, I told him. Years after, when I do not have anymore feelings for him.

So we had drinks at a local Kopitiam which was good, and we talked about relationships, life, the future, our hopes. He's on rebound, and probably, so was I - though I honestly do not feel crushed by Dude's last 'Rejection'. Which is the 3rd over 2 years. But which doesn't bother me, MUCH since I could still go out with him, laugh with him, not CRY, (well, a little when I thought, how sad it is that two people who got a long so well, not being together. But that's the Romantic in me)..

Probably why I could still get along with him and not feel bitter towards him for not wanting to go further with me and explore this great Chemistry (compatibility) that we have together, with me is because his 'Rejection' does not make me a Lesser Person. If he doesn't find me Attractive, it doesn't mean that I'm not. And if he cannot Love me, the way a man Loves a woman, it doesn't mean that I am not Lovable.

I suppose it's Important not to let anyone affect your Esteem. Because no one can do that but Yourself. A person's Esteem is not formed by what People make of them. A person's Esteem comes from deep inside of them. If they are confident and know Who they are inside, What they are inside, Why they are like so, inside,.. it shouldn't be shakable. A person's Esteem holds a person together stronger, better, than anything else in the world.

No one should Compromise it by letting Others affect its Stand.